First, because of struggles with my mental health I have decided to wind down my Social Enterprise, Think Make Grow Ltd.  It will be finished by  Dec 12 or Jan 13.

Second, I didn’t want to close the Open Up creative group for people experiencing mental ill health so we have made it an organisation in its own right and are just about to start a project funded by “See Me” creating an anthology book with the aim of challenging stigma and sterotypes of people with mental illnesses.

Third, my wonderful daughter auditioned to be in a professional pantomime and got a part.  She is in the middle of the run now and is completely loving it.

Fourth, 16 months ago I was referred for DBT therapy and told the wait would be about one year or a little over.  Six months into the list I was 7th in line. Eleven months into the list I was 4th.  Thirteen months in I was 2nd and fouteen months in I was 4th again.  In just under 12 months the list has moved just 3 places and I am 4th – it seems like I’ll be waiting another year at least.

Fifth, Dave went for and was offered a new job which was completely the right thing for us and the organisation.  Then it was snatched away from us at the last minute by a minority in a members vote – we don’t know who they are or why they did it even now.  This was difficult for us and the organisation is now floundering on its feet.

Seventh, my health has been so dodgy that the amount of work I can do has been significantly reduced – this is weird and hard to get my head round as I have always worked and paid my way.

Eighth, our landlord needs to sell our home to release the capital.  We are not thinking about it just now, except to say at some point we will have no choice but to move again.

It has been a good year!  We have gained a grandson, been on a two week holiday (the first time in ten years), cleared 100% of our debt, in other words we are completely debt free, we’ve met up with friends old and new, and gone a whole year without what I would describe as a serious crisis.

Of course, all this looking back stuff is pretty pointless.  The question is, what will next year hold for us as a family?  What do I need to do to make it a better year than last year even if things go wrong.  This year I was counting on the DBT I’m waiting for to enable me to make the best of life and the job we knew dave was right for to imrove our circumstances, with essential input from God.  This year I know better – I might not get to start DBT in 2012, Dave may never get a job within his calling – but, God does not change, his input is the essential ingredient to a year that is good regardless of events and circumstances.  Of course, one has to define “good” in order to understand this.  Good is not having everything go my own way or everything going smoothly or even the easiest route to an end or imunity to tragedy.  It isn’t being happy and never arguing with family and friends.  It is living my life, and enabling others to live theirs without judgement, with all integrity and moving towards God who I love whether I can see him or not.

For this reason the “S” factor competition was created and on 12th December you are invited to the live final in Berwick-upon-Tweed, Room 1, The Maltings.  Performances at 2.30 and 3.00pm

Berwick-upon-Tweed?  I hear you say.  This small town is hosting this special event for good reason.  It is the place of Santa’s official summer residence ( a fact not known to many, and divulged to me by Mrs Claus when I met her in the local library last February).  It is rumoured that Santa himself my leave his sick bed to attend this unique and exciting event.

The finalists have been selected and are now busy preparing for the final challenge, everyone of them hoping to be the one identified as having the “S” factor, and having the honour of doing this Christmas for Santa.

Below, a picture of Santa and the finalists at their first meeting at The Maltings on Tue 23rd November 2010.

The “S” Factor finalists are all puppets of characters from festive folklore around the world.  They include characters identified by children with a range of national identities including: Swedish; Irish; Filipino; English and Polish.

This culture and heritage project have been delievered by Think Make Grow artists, Anna Turnbull; Trish McLaughlin and Wendy Ward.  It was funded by Northumberland Education Community Cohesion Team.

Now, as the end of Wednesday draws near I take a quick breath as we are on target to achieve our goal.  Tonight is the first evening not spent writing scripts up and chasing resources that we discovered we need through the devising process.  We’re not at a place of complacency, but we are on target and now have two days to polish the performances, improvise potential endings and pull ogether props and costumes ready for our first live rehearsal at a school in Berwick on Monday.  We may also organise a puplic performance next Wednesday evening too – but more about that anther time if we go for it.

I do feel very proud as I look at our journey so far.  On Monday we met together for the first time since auditions with a blank sheet of paper.

By the end of  Monday we had devised a piece for younger audiences, sourced resources we hadn’t known we needed till then in the form of  professional quality hand puppets and a puppet theatre and written a  script.

By the end of Tuesday we had rehearsed the puppet theatre peice in front of an expert panel made up of two seven year olds, an ex teacher and two parents and devised the outline and method for the peice for older children and young people.  We had also realised we needed a bespoke sound track making for the story to make sense, (or to double our cast size for free which was never going to happen).

By the end of Wednesday we had significantly improved our puppetry skills.  Completed scripts for actors and technical support.  Recorded and edited a most excellent sound track with the help of local music producer Iain Petrie, gathered together 65% of the props we needed and almost learned all the lines.  We had also performed the older piece for an expert panel of one eleven year old who was most helpful in helping us gauge suitability for different ages.

Tomorrow and Friday we rehearse our socks of and make sure we have all the props and set we need.  We also decide on an approach for filming the two pieces in November.

So far, it is a very good week.

But what does any of this have to do with the title?  Well, since 2002 I have owned a lovely soft scarf thing that I have always considered would make an excellent dog (bearded collie) costume should the need arise and it’s time has come.  At last I get to play my dream part.  A mischievous Bearded Collie, tail and all.

Kate Willoughby

Kate comes from Yorkshire and has a background in both forum theatre and role play, which includes projects for the NHS, Housing Associations and Strathclyde Police.  She has also devised a series of promenade plays about Mary Queen of Scots, the prison reformer Elizabeth Fry and the militant Suffragette Emily Wilding Davison, who had strong connections with Northumberland.  She understands the important issues surrounding the Prevent strategy and is really looking forward to working with Think Make Grow on this important project.

Penny Lamport

Penny trained with InterACT, the Northern Region’s Theatre Training Ensemble.  This year Penny has appeared as Louisa Mazzini in an open air production of A Sicilian Romance, in the premiere of the INK festival in Newcastle, as Mrs Pickery in The Butterfly at Battersea Arts Centre, as Mary in A Coat From Robbs at Live Theatre, as Stratyllis in Lysistrata at the People’s Theatre and as Betsy in Mansfield Park and Ride at Sir John Mills Theatre.  Previous theatre credits include Shirley Valentine, The Duchess of Malfi, Countess Rousillon in All’s Well That Ends Well, Maria in Twelfth Night, Titania in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Katherina in The Taming of the Shrew, Tamora in Titus Andronicus, Beggar Woman in Sweeny Todd and Dame Chat in Gammer Gurton’s Needle.

Ruth Urquhart

Ruth trained at East 15 Acting School in the 1990s and has been an actor and workshop facilitator ever since. She is co-founder of the theatre company ‘New Strides Productions’ and has written three plays, one of which, ‘Tea With Mrs Pankhurst’ has been published. She is originally from the Borders and continues to do theatre projects in that area whilst also living in Yorkshire with her partner Bruce, three cats and two dogs. She is currently expecting her first baby.

Wendy Ward

Wendy trained at Sale School of Speech & Drama and South Trafford College.  She then established a youth theatre group who performed in schools and churches around the Trafford area.  She has planned and delivered a number ofdevelopmental drama projects for young people with additional needs or at risk of exclusion in North Wales, Manchester and Northumberland.  She is also a skilled storyteller and has performed at Greenbelt Festival and other UK venues.  Currently she is a director and driving force behind Berwick’s own Community Arts Company, Think Make Grow Ltd. She lives in Chirnside with her husband Dave, her daughter, Bearded Collie Samson and bunny called carrot.

I offered to do a small slot within the church service at Southview in Chirnside so people could pray for me and the forum theatre project in an informed way.  Rather than explain forum theatre we did a bit, which created a lot of energy and hilarity in the congregation, and brought participation from people who don’t usually get to join in.  Our protagonist did get a share of the sweets in the end, although I’m not sure that brute force is an entirely appropriate way to get maltezers off a teenager!

Chatting afterwards to people interested in the project I was explaining how I’m a bit nervous having not done any significant theatre work for a few years, and I’m hopng I can still do it.  To which came the retort,

“You can.  You just did!”  I suppose that’s true and I should chill a bit and enjoy the most exciting project I’ve been involved with for ages.  Especially now I know who my cast are.  I’ll introduce you to them in another post.

David Edward-Robertson

I don’t know if this is normal.  I’ve not sat on this side of the fence for professional auditions before.  I’m just as nervous as if I was auditioning myself.  I’m so, so glad I’ve brought in some more experienced moral support in friend and Dave Robertson, actor and storyteller.

Tomorrow we face the auditionees.  Each will be a bit nervous.  Each will want the paid work.  By the end of the day, some will be disappointed and some pleased and excited.  (This is my assumpton about them anyway).

From their side of the fence, they do their best (or not) and the results will be what they will be.  On my side of the fence I am aware that I hold responsibility for making good choices on multiple levels.  Whose skills are best for the job, which combinations of people will make the most ideal team for the project, who is a genuine team player,  who can I rely on through thick and thin?  Is a highly strung, very creative actor worth the risk over a more stable, steady and solid player for an added edge of creativity?  Bottom line – am I up to the job of casting director for a project that means so much to me?

It isn’t like its a project with lots of scope for mistakes and changes.  We’ve no honeymoon time as a team once it starts.  We have to gel, devise, rehearse and perform all in a short space of time.  It’s intense!

So, for everyone out there whose ever been an auditionee and knows how nerve wracking it can be, spare a thought for the casting director as just now I think it might be even worse.

All the way there she let me know how worried she was that she didn’t know anyone there and so would be scared, and that she was hungry because she had not had tea yet.  (Trusting that Dave wouldn’t be too much longer I’d left that cooking in the oven).

Susie turned out to be a most excellent helper, cutting up modroc for me and helping make masks on peoples faces when they didn’t have someone with them who wanted to do it for them.  She’s a skillful little worker and made some great quality masks.

My favourite bit of the evening however, happened while Susie was helping me do a girls mask.  While she was there a huge young man came over, (by huge I mean like a rugby player) and when he saw what we were doing grinned and said,

“I’ve done that! We did it at Middle school on our hands.  It was for the museum or something!”

This was clearly a positive memory for him so I admitted it was me and my colleagues doing our very first funded project  together in Berwick.  He confirmed it was the FAB (family awareness of brastfeeding) Helping Hands project done on  behalf of Berwick Breastfeeding Support Group and funded by North East Community Foundation.  It felt good to know for  certain that work we had done back in the autumn of 2007 still has an impact today.  So often we rely on observational  and non direct interpretive feedback for long term results.

All in all, a great evening, with lovely people and fantastic helping hands!

It can be tricky managing life with a mental health problem and being the one the buck stops with in a company.  There are so many days where I just need someone who can help me get started on the things I can’t get started with, or to prompt me to remember what I was aiming for to finish of a funding application without pressure or nagging.  The trouble is, so much of what I need to do is stuck in my head and is not easily handed over for another to do for me.

Other times I just need someone who understands the company enough for me to not be around for a few days without me coming back to an avalanche of questions and little things that overwhelme me so much I can’t do the fun stuff either.

When I get overwhelmed I thnk I want to close us (TMG) down and go and get a normal job with a regular salary where I’m not responsible for everyone and everything.  But then I remember what it was like when I worked in a normal job and I didn’t like having to meet targets set by people who’d never seen the issues our clients faced in real life.  How I either had to go off sick or be in work – there was no flexibility or middle ground to manage a bad patch with.  I never had enough holidays or time to be with the people I wanted and be with my family and have some chill time.  Life was much more difficult with a normal job except for financially, and since money is not my priority, its just a neccessary thing in our culture it is not a reason to give up something I love and believe in.

On a good day being the boss is brilliant.  Our administrator Kirsty is wonderful and is a great morale booster as well as being very good at what she does.  Trish, a volunteer and Open Up colleague is a star.  She keeps things running at the office and brings in tea and coffee from Neros as a treat.  Indeed, Neros benefits from our presence as it is a favourite venue for office team meetings now and then.

Wednesdays are my favourite day to be there because the Open Up group meets and people drop by for between half an hour and two hours.  We drink tea & coffee, eat biscuits and get creative.  Last week we had a go at Encaustic art (melted wax on an iron).  It was very simple and effective and relaxing.  One of the guys at the start said, “I don’t think this is for me!” but by the end was hooked, asking if the group could get its own resources to do more of this.

Berwick Open Up set out to create an artwork(s) to convey something that raises awareness and challenges stigma.  Early on the group chose to aim to have something ready to exhibit for the Borders Green Festival which this year was on 4th july in Tweedmouth, Berwick upon Tweed.

As ideas flowed a plan formed. We (the group) wanted to make a large metal sculpture.  We were inspired by the idea of something coming out of a fire like a pheonix from the flames.  We wanted to re-use materials to support the idea of creation of something good from things thrown away and scrapped.  We decided we wanted to build a dragon.

The dragon we imagined was made from copper and had spring loaded wings that could stretch out as he emerged from his shell which would burn away in a small fire.

The first stage we embarked on was a cardboard dragon who we named Augustus and who displayed in Think Make Grow’s shop front for a month or so till his legs fell off.  Augustus was a rainbow dragon and a key part in te development of the final julias.  We liked the rainbow element because a rainbow is such a positive symbol of hope against the tide of opinion.

Next we had a go at copper beating and developing a mechanism for the wings.  We sought expert advice re how to make an egg that would burn quickly enough not to create a significant risk in terms of health and safety.

A few of us had bad patches over the winter and we lost some momentum – but never gave up.

Suddenly, as if by magic, it was June and nearly time to exhibit our still notional dragon.  However, Me and Trish set out to pull the dragon together.  We went shopping for the missing ingredients and tools, we rounded the troops and Julias started to become a reality.  There were lessons in welding and soldering.  Experiments and practice of engraving, sculpting with chicken wire, scale maile, crochet, creative writing, tea and coffee drinking, talking and eating.  For ten days pretty much all we worked on was Julias untill on Thursday 1st July he was ready and we all breathd a sigh of relief.  Everyone who contributed to his creation in some way provided an engraved copper scale for his legs.  Adding the last ones was the only job that did not get completed before the festival day.

Download the Julias story here.

Cadi and Andy from End of the Pier Films and part of the Think Make Grow artist network enabled the group to picture the sort of things that could be done in our time scale, then drew out of the group a story board.  It didn’t take long to create the characters and create a shooting space.  Then four and a half hours later the final shot was done on the Ch’Ooglies (Chirnside ooglies) epic, Fruit vs Veg.

Watch the finished article on my u tube channel via links (Wendy Anne Ward)!

Did you know that 3 mins of this style footage takes 3000 shots!